Truth?
well the last couple of weeks i have been spending time when im alone to figure out why truly makes me and who i am exactly…and i have come up with nothing. well i do love being around people. but that doesn’t answer everything and its not exactly what i need. im having an identity crisis and im trying to figure out why lately i have been depressed when i have nothing to be depressed about. everything is great in my life. but there is something missing and i dont know what IT is. and i keep searching, but i have come up with nothing. i have done so much thinking and im so tired. some of the things that come up is TRUST. trust with everyone. my parents, friends, lovers, family. everyone. i dont even know my biological father. i dont even know the other half that brought me into this world. and i cant trust my parents now because they have kept SO much from me and not just my biological father. so now i feel like i have to find out who i am and who i want to be. but living with my mom, she controls everything i feel like i cant do anything without wondering what should she would do if i did. like she pays for my phone, she is paying off my school, i live in her house, i use her stuff, and what can i do to escape and be on my own and be me. i have lost everything about me and everything i had at one point in my life. ever since i found out about my real father, i have become someone else. and i bottled it up and now its eating me alive and i dont know where to go, what to do, or even what the truth is anymore. you think you know someone, but you really dont…even when you have known them for your entire life. i need to get out and i need to be on my own. but i have to stay longer before i do cuz there are restrictions that keep me from breaking away. so yeah…thats what i dont understand…everything. i dont know anything anymore.
so how do i build a friendship now, how do i build a relationship…with anyone. im so insecure because i feel so vulnerable. im broken. and i dont know where the pieces went. and im interested in someone, and i want to more about him. but im afraid if he knew a little about me he would run away…thats what a lot of them do…if not all…even friends talk about you behind their back. im not crazy. im lost. and i want to be found. where is that knight they all talk about? i believe in him…but am i too lost to be found? i know that i can love someone more than anyone ever could. i know im very romantic and the sweetest guy anyone would ever want. i tell the truth, im up front about everything, and i hold nothing back. im an entertainer and i make people laugh and have a brighter day. i complain sometimes, but im over in about 10 mins. im inpatient, but i want to be more patient. im loud and outgoing and i like to be the center of attention most of the time lol. sometimes i actually dont. there is more to me than meets the eye and i love being spontaneous. i also like to have days where i just chill…like today. im trustworthy, however, i dont trust anyone else. even when they have done nothing to me to make me not trust them. if you want to be my friend or even more…be patient with me and prove to me that i can trust. all i want is the truth. i hate secrets and i hate the guessing game. i can handle the truth, thats why i ask for it.
but how do i know the truth even when its given to me? im tired of finding and saving….i want to be the one who is found and saved. i give and give, but i dont anything in return. will you give just as much as i do?
my heart is yearning for something that i cant give it.
