Battling Myself
I dont even know whats going on with me. im so sick and tired of feeling the anxiety and this pain from the past. i just cant seem to let go. i want to let go so bad. i want to be free. i dont want to worry. i want to be relieved. its like i go from secure to insecure in about .00007 seconds. and then back again. My entire life i have searched and searched for the one who i can just talk to every now and then throughout the day knowing we still have each other at the end of the day. and the one who makes me so happy and the one who makes me laugh. and one that i can trust with my whole heart.
and i have found him…
yet this deep cynical part of my heart, the part that has been abused, lied to, shattered and jaded, keeps whispering in my head that this is all just a lie. This cant be real cuz its to perfect. its just what i wanted, but its not really happening. So i listen to this voice and i agree with it. and i go to the point of insanity to prove this whispering taunt right. and guess what i find?
that the voice is all just a lie.
10 out of 10 times that i have left my house to believe that he is lying or cheating, i end up looking like a fool cuz Stephen has done nothing but tell me the truth. he is where he says he is and he tells me the truth when i ask questions. so why do i keep listening to this satanic scream?
i dont know….the more i listen to it….the more insane i get and the bigger chance that im going to ruin this one that i finally found.
i need to let my past go. its time. Stephen isn’t Clayton. and never will he be.
and i think the scariest thing is…
im falling for stephen. fast and hard. and im scared to death. im so terrified. i dont want to be hurt again. especially now that for once i am giving my ALL to trust someone with everything that i have. and im trying. i really am. its just when i hear that voice i have to ignore it and know that i CAN trust Stephen. That he isnt going to hurt me like the others did.
I just need to be myself.
The one that makes everything fun. the one that laughs at everything and is so positive about life. the one who strives to make everyone laugh. the one who dreams big. the one who doesnt hold anything back and jumps head first…FEARLESS.
I know your in there…some where…Please come out now and save me. Im ready.
its gonna be okay. its gonna be okay.
If its meant to be…it will all work out in the end. i just have to keep holding on.
i can do this. goodnight.
