The Secret World of the Unseen

The Drop

Well most of you know whats been going on with me…some of you may not. Well for those who dont and to update everyone….i have a unknown cancer that i get to name. This cancer dwells in the thigh of my right leg. However, the muscle it lives in along with the tumor, will be taken out monday afternoon. From there i have a two weeks recovery period…and its possible that i may being going through chemo as well. but dont feel sorry for me. just make sure i dont fall or lose sight of the hope i have.

Tonight, i found my meaning and purpose in life. And its exciting. unfortunately i found it from a traumatic circumstance, but none the less i found it. For the past few weeks i have been so overwhelmed with doctors, scans, unknown results, and a biopsy; that i havent really had a time to think about it all and what all this means. So i took a drive. i rolled down my window, drove and just embraced the wind that blew across my arm and face. i took it all in. i listened to my heart beat and watched the sun set as i drove towards it. it was then that i realized i cant give in…without a fight. My entire life i wanted to be the first. the first at something. whether it was sports, school, or even work. i wanted to be famous just to be known…but never knew what to be known for. Well, thats all changed. i dont want to be famous just to be famous. I want to be known that i survived a cancer no one has ever had or seen. And by surviving this and going through it, i will save someone else’s life later in the future when they get what i have. ill be that leader, role model, and example that they can follow. So because im going through this, they can do all the research and tests they want to make sure someone else’s life could be saved. If worse comes to worse and it ends up taking my life…im not worried or scared, because i wanted to save the world, and whether its one life or a million. at least i saved someone. and im effin excited about that. so im gonna show them how this is done. How to fight, how to never give up, how to stay positive, how to come out on top. and that its ok to be scared, sad, angry, confused, helpless, and sometimes vulnerable to a point of fighting no more….but through all that….think of those you have made laugh. i love that more than anything in this world. laughter. and if i can someone life…then this life is worth fighting for. Fight for what u love most in this crazy world. Cuz i guarantee if u have anything like this, doing something like making someone laugh is what will get you through it.

So guess what cancer….you’re going down.

im the a drop of rain thats being accumulated in those clouds above you. One day i will be released into your waters. and…..”I’ll be the drop that causes that ripple.”

~Josh
AKA:
“Survivor of Seizon Cancer”

Seizon=Survival in Japanese. This is what ill be calling my cancer.

Chelsea…..

i need a few things from you….

1. Phone sex

2. Your email addy (i got gmail now.)

3. Your Twatter….im sorry….i mean twitter.

4. You and I to be in the same living coordinates.

and last,

5. Another Jam Session for sure….

I love you.

Truth?

well the last couple of weeks i have been spending time when im alone to figure out why truly makes me and who i am exactly…and i have come up with nothing. well i do love being around people. but that doesn’t answer everything and its not exactly what i need. im having an identity crisis and im trying to figure out why lately i have been depressed when i have nothing to be depressed about. everything is great in my life. but there is something missing and i dont know what IT is. and i keep searching, but i have come up with nothing. i have done so much thinking and im so tired. some of the things that come up is TRUST. trust with everyone. my parents, friends, lovers, family. everyone. i dont even know my biological father. i dont even know the other half that brought me into this world. and i cant trust my parents now because they have kept SO much from me and not just my biological father. so now i feel like i have to find out who i am and who i want to be. but living with my mom, she controls everything i feel like i cant do anything without wondering what should she would do if i did. like she pays for my phone, she is paying off my school, i live in her house, i use her stuff, and what can i do to escape and be on my own and be me. i have lost everything about me and everything i had at one point in my life. ever since i found out about my real father, i have become someone else. and i bottled it up and now its eating me alive and i dont know where to go, what to do, or even what the truth is anymore. you think you know someone, but you really dont…even when you have known them for your entire life. i need to get out and i need to be on my own. but i have to stay longer before i do cuz there are restrictions that keep me from breaking away. so yeah…thats what i dont understand…everything. i dont know anything anymore.

so how do i build a friendship now, how do i build a relationship…with anyone. im so insecure because i feel so vulnerable. im broken. and i dont know where the pieces went. and im interested in someone, and i want to more about him. but im afraid if he knew a little about me he would run away…thats what a lot of them do…if not all…even friends talk about you behind their back. im not crazy. im lost. and i want to be found. where is that knight they all talk about? i believe in him…but am i too lost to be found? i know that i can love someone more than anyone ever could. i know im very romantic and the sweetest guy anyone would ever want. i tell the truth, im up front about everything, and i hold nothing back. im an entertainer and i make people laugh and have a brighter day. i complain sometimes, but im over in about 10 mins. im inpatient, but i want to be more patient. im loud and outgoing and i like to be the center of attention most of the time lol. sometimes i actually dont. there is more to me than meets the eye and i love being spontaneous. i also like to have days where i just chill…like today. im trustworthy, however, i dont trust anyone else. even when they have done nothing to me to make me not trust them. if you want to be my friend or even more…be patient with me and prove to me that i can trust. all i want is the truth. i hate secrets and i hate the guessing game. i can handle the truth, thats why i ask for it.

but how do i know the truth even when its given to me? im tired of finding and saving….i want to be the one who is found and saved. i give and give, but i dont anything in return. will you give just as much as i do?

my heart is yearning for something that i cant give it.

Sober

i dont even remember what its like to be sober. my life is in a downhill spiral. im on my way to burn in hell…im sure of it.

out of the last 8 days, i have been sober 1 day.

im so alone here.

chelsea, with your phone off, i have no one. all my friends here have betrayed me in some way. every guy has lied and treated me like shit. i cant say no to going out and getting wasted. and now, my body feels like its going to shut down any minute. i want to disappear and go where no one knows me or my life. i want to start fresh. i want to go back to school but my parents aren’t doing their part so there for i have to suffer and continue to be a waiter. where i dont even make that much money cuz business is slow these days.

however today im going to find a new job. i quit american eagle. so i need another one. i dont even know where to go. i wish i would stumble on a lottery ticket and it just so happens its the winning ticket….HAHAHA thats never going to happen. so anyways i have to make the best of what i got…hahah thats funny to cuz i pretty much have nothing.

let me tell you about tuesday night.

My so called, “best gay friend,” named clinton and i went to the clubs. had a great time…until we saw this guy who i liked. but he was there with a guy that we both knew. and when i was the guy i liked (danny) he told me constantly not to talk to this guy who always tried to pick a fight with me. and i dont back down to someone who talks shit about me. and this guy’s name is branden. well i hate branden so he would text me and i would go off on how he has anal warts….which is true. and danny would joke with me too and say just leave him alone. well when we went out danny was there with branden. UGH! you lying hyprocrite son of a bitch! so of course i get drunk and i made them buy me and clinton shots…which just made things worse cuz then i came face to face with branden and literally almost punched him in the face. so we left. and it gets worse. clinton wanted to go to this guys house who he met at the club a few times. when we finally get there i layed on the couch and they went up stairs. i wanted to go home but clinton wanted to stay. well i couldnt sleep cuz of everything with danny and branden…and what do i hear next? clinton having sex. that was the cherry on top of an amazing night. god i hate people. i hate all of them.

so now since im a drunk, i cant sleep well at night and i usually sleep during the day, wasting my life. its what i do best i guess.

Battling Myself

I dont even know whats going on with me. im so sick and tired of feeling the anxiety and this pain from the past. i just cant seem to let go. i want to let go so bad. i want to be free. i dont want to worry. i want to be relieved. its like i go from secure to insecure in about .00007 seconds. and then back again. My entire life i have searched and searched for the one who i can just talk to every now and then throughout the day knowing we still have each other at the end of the day. and the one who makes me so happy and the one who makes me laugh. and one that i can trust with my whole heart.

and i have found him…

yet this deep cynical part of my heart, the part that has been abused, lied to, shattered and jaded, keeps whispering in my head that this is all just a lie. This cant be real cuz its to perfect. its just what i wanted, but its not really happening. So i listen to this voice and i agree with it. and i go to the point of insanity to prove this whispering taunt right. and guess what i find?

that the voice is all just a lie.

10 out of 10 times that i have left my house to believe that he is lying or cheating, i end up looking like a fool cuz Stephen has done nothing but tell me the truth. he is where he says he is and he tells me the truth when i ask questions. so why do i keep listening to this satanic scream?

i dont know….the more i listen to it….the more insane i get and the bigger chance that im going to ruin this one that i finally found.

i need to let my past go. its time. Stephen isn’t Clayton. and never will he be.

and i think the scariest thing is…

im falling for stephen. fast and hard. and im scared to death. im so terrified. i dont want to be hurt again. especially now that for once i am giving my ALL to trust someone with everything that i have. and im trying. i really am. its just when i hear that voice i have to ignore it and know that i CAN trust Stephen. That he isnt going to hurt me like the others did.

I just need to be myself.

The one that makes everything fun. the one that laughs at everything and is so positive about life. the one who strives to make everyone laugh. the one who dreams big. the one who doesnt hold anything back and jumps head first…FEARLESS.

I know your in there…some where…Please come out now and save me. Im ready.

its gonna be okay. its gonna be okay.

If its meant to be…it will all work out in the end. i just have to keep holding on.

i can do this. goodnight.